What Women Want (P.S. It Is A Two-Way Street.) – by Gary S. Smolker

March 14, 2015

 

After many personal experiences, interviews of strangers, conversations with friends and much study and research, I have come to the following conclusions about what women like, need, want, think about and ought to think about.

Women Like

Women like to be loved; they like attention and they like to go shopping.

The main thing women need is attention.

They need attention in big ways and in little ways.

Giving them a flower or a big bouquet of flowers will make them equally happy.

Small gestures of love go a long way.

A gift given to please someone doesn’t have to be a big gift.  Just a chocolate or a flower will do.

But, if you know what she likes and give her exactly what she likes that will go a long way.

Attraction

Women are physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, financially and innately attracted to men.

Once in a while a woman, a one in a thousand woman, will see a man across the room and immediately know in her heart of hearts: I want that man with all his flaws and everything that drives me mad.

Women love men who are physical in their behavior.  They love men who can’t stop touching them.

Women love men who are

1. with them when they are with them;
2. always want to be close to them;
3. always want to touch them;
4. always want to make love to them.

Mature women don’t need a man who will stick to them all the time.

1. But, it is very necessary for them to feel there is a future, especially if they are in love.
2. At a minimum, women need to know there will be a tomorrow.
3. Women “need” a man with whom they can plan for the future.
4. Women are impatient with how long it takes a relationship to grow.
5. Once women are “in love” they become “demanding”: they demand that the man they love be loyal and share his life and future with them.
6. A man who is not willing to commit to one woman is very disturbing.
7. Women want a man they can share a lot with, someone to grow old with.
8. Women need a man who will give them back the feelings they have for him.

Not having the “attention” of a man in her life drives many women crazy.

But not all women are that way.

Women have different needs at different stages of their lives.

Many Women Are Driven by Need. Other Women Are Driven by Love.

Many American women act out of “need.”  They do not act out of “love.”

Their thoughts about men, their actions towards men and their attraction to a man is driven by their selfishness, and their needs and neediness.

For women driven by their “needs”/”neediness” everything boils down to their self-centeredness and need.  Their selfishness is driven by a desire to achieve power, wealth and security.

They look at their relationships with men as being a “job.”

In their minds, they are “entitled to something” in exchange for what they are doing and/or in exchange for what they will be doing or in exchange for what they have done.

Their actions are not from the heart.

These women are mechanical in their thinking, which is “What is in this for me?” 

They think of the man/men in their life as being someone to provide financial support, someone to pay their bills, someone to provide food, shelter, clothing, cars, jewelry, and furs.

Some of those kind of women look to the man/men in their life to provide them with money to deposit in their bank account, to make personal investments for them, and  to provide money fto them for them to use in making their own personal investments.

These women are “disconnected.”

They believe in life “everyone is solely for themselves, everyone is to act solely for their own self-interest.”

Their selfishness is very disconnecting.  Selfish people don’t see they hurt other people.

• They don’t see the needs of another person.
• They do not restrain themselves or do without anything they want or bother or worry or fret about the conflict between the whims of their desires and the wants and needs of other people.
• They are unable to have empathy for another person.

Selfish people strip life of its poetry.

Not all women are selfish or self-centered.

Other women (those who are mature) understand that if you love someone you must do your most to make the person you love happy.

They understand that a “relationship” is work, that you must work on your relationship every day.

People come from different backgrounds, have been raised differently and have had different experiences.

For those reasons, people look at and think about the same thing differently.

In order for their to be a “good relationship” each party must recognize that and respect and accomodate the other party’s point of view.

For biological and evolutionary reasons, the strongest drive in most women has been to have children and to protect their children.

Those women and many other women are driven by love.

Inner Spirit

Innately, for biological and physiological reasons, people innately have a tremendous drive to reproduce.

Some women look at men as being necessary for reproductive purposes and get married primarily because they want to have children.and to have a “family.”

These women have a “mating mind”; they feel it is their purpose in life to repopulate the planet.

Their priority in life is to get pregnant, have children and create their own “family.”

Their urge to have children is so strong, that if they can’t have children “naturally”, they will go through artificial insemination and/or they will have a surrogate mother inseminated and “carry” the “child” to birth and/or they adopt one or more children.

Everyone who wants to have a child wants to have a child/children who will survive, thrive and prosper.

But, they also want to “enjoy” their own lives.

This “inner spirit” drives women to be sexually attracted not only to men with pretty faces, healthy fertile bodies, and high social status, but also be attracted to men who are witty, articulate, generous, and conscious.

Conversation, charm and wit count.

Mate Choice Guides Evolution

In Charles Darwin’s 900 page two-volume book “The Descent of Man, and Selection in Relation to Sex”, Darwin makes the claim that mate choice guides evolution.  That book was published in 1871.

In that book Darwin argued that sexual selection depends “not on a struggle for existence in relation to other organic beings or to external conditions, but to a struggle between the individuals in one sex, generally the males, for the possession of the other sex.  The result is not death to the unsuccessful competitor, but few or no offspring.”

Darwin’s conviction that evolution was a matter of differences in reproduction rather than just differences in survival was exceptional.

Darwin’s notion that mate choice could shape organic form was without scientific precedent.

Darwin proposed/realized that the agents of sexual selection are the brains and bodies of sexual rivals and potential rivals, rather than the pressures of a physical habitat or a biological niche.

In The Descent, Darwin portrayed mate choice as a psychological process that guides organic evolution.  Darwin wrote:

“He who admits the principle of sexual selection will be led to the remarkable conclusion that the cerebral system not only regulates most of the existing functions of the body, but has indirectly influenced the various bodily structures and of certain mental qualities.  Courage, pugnacity, perseverance, strength and size of body, weapons of all kinds, musical organs, both vocal and instrumental, bright colors, stripes and marks, and ornamental appendages, have all been indirectly gained by one sex or the other, through the influence of love and jealousy, through the appreciation of the beautiful sound, color or form, and through the exertion of a choice; and these powers of the mind manifestly depend on the development of the cerebral system.”

Simply put, Darwin’s “Female Choice Theory” is that males are sexual objects accepted or rejected by female choice.

Males Court and Females Choose

Is that a surprise?  Is it a surprise that men court and females choose?

In the 1990s evolutionary psychologists reached a consensus that human intelligence evolved largely in response to social rather than ecological or technological challenges.

The idea that human intelligence evolved as a response to social rather than ecological or technical challenges in the environment was proposed by Charles Darwin in 18871, in The Descent.

Human Intelligence Evolves

If you are worried about what is going on in the world today, think about and take comfort in Darwin’s idea: Human intelligence evolves as a response to social challenges.

Sexual partner selection is the most fundamental form of social selection.

Male courtship of females is the premier example of social behavior.

Be that as it may, the perceived need to have children has always been with us.

Throughout human history most human cultures have been overtly polygynous.

Before the middle ages, in urban civilizations with high population densities, the men at the top of the hierarchy almost always had harems of hundreds of women producing hundreds of babies.  The first emperor of China reputedly had a harem of five hundred thousand.  King Moulay Ismail of Morocco reputedly produced over six hundred sons by his harem.

In ” The Mating Mind” author Geoffrey F. Miller explains:

“In hunter-gatherer cultures the men who are the most charming, the most respected, the most intelligent, and the best hunters tend to attract more than their fair share o female sexual attention.  They may have two or three times as many offspring as their less attractive competitors.  In pastoral cultures the men who have the largest herds of animals attract the most women.  In agricultural societies the men who have the most land, wealth, and military power attract the most women. 

“Those of us brought up in European-derived cultures tend to think of humans as monogamous, but in fact mating in our species has almost always been moderately polygamous.

“Polygyny does not mean that every male gets to father the offspring of many females – that would be a mathematical impossibility, given an equal sex ratio.  It means rather that a few males mate often and produce many offspring, and most males rarely, producing very few offspring.”

As a result of women historically being surpressed we are now witnessing a literal revolution in attitude towards females and the actions of females.

The concepts of gender equality and “fairness”  have now taken center stage in the minds of people throughout the world at large.

Temper of the Times

At the recent “Academy Awards Ceremony” (February 22, 2015) supporting actress winner Patricia Arquette spoke forcefully to the members of her own sex, saying, “it’s our time to have wage equality once and for all, and equal rights for women in the United States of America.”

Women feel suppressed.

Women tell each other they are not being treated as equals and they need to be treated as equals.

This makes them feel they are not respected.

Of course, everyone needs to feel respected.

When someone feels they are not respected that causes friction.

At the recent Academy Awards Ceremony (February 22, 2015), singer John Legend (John Stephens) and rapper Common (Lonnie Lynn) won the Academy Award for best original song for “Glory” (in the movie “Selma”).

In their acceptance speech, they pointedly addressed the parallels between the civil rights era and today.

Legend said: Selma is now because the struggle for justice is right now.  We know that the Voting Rights Act they fought for 50 years ago is being compromised right now in this country today.  We know right now the struggle for freedom and justice is real.”

Legend also said, “There are more black men under correctional control today than were under slavery in 1850.”

The family value of respect for your parents is often discussed and many people feel it is very important.

That includes respect for women, respect for mothers.

In his Academy Award Ceremony acceptance speech for the “best supporting actor award”, J. K. Simmons told the viewers of the Academy Award Ceremony: “Call your mom. Everybody – I’m told it’s like a billion people or so – call your mom, call you dad.  If you’re lucky enough to have a parent or two alive on this planet, call them.  Don’t text, don’t email – call them on the phone and tell them you love them, and thank them, and listen to them as long as they want to talk to you.”

Women today are bombarded with those kind of messages.

Women are constantly thinking about those things – respect for women, equal treatment of women, women not receiving equal treatment.

Those things are constantly on their minds.

A Growing Point of View

Being independent is not a new idea for women.

The desire of women to be independent is not a new desire.

For example, in the 1800s a few women were fiercely independent.

For example in the novel “Bel-Ami”, written by Guy De Maupassant and first published in 1885, a lead female character tells a man who has just told her that he loves her:

“A man in love no longer exists.  He becomes an idiot and a dangerous idiot at that.    I stop having any relationship with men who love me or claim to, first because they bore me and secondly because I feel suspicious of them as I would of a mad dog that may suddenly have a fit.  So I put them in quarantine until they’ve got over their attack.  Don’t forget.  I know perfectly well that for you love is merely a sort of appetite whereas for me it would be more of a sort of communion of souls which doesn’t exist in a male’s religion.

“For me marriage is not a shackle but an association.  I insist on being free, completely free to act as I think fit, go where I please, see whom I choose, whenever I wish.  I could never accept any authority or jealousy or questioning of my conduct.  Of course, I should undertake to never compromise the name of the man whom I married or expose him to odium or ridicule.  But the man would also have to undertake to look on me as an equal, an ally and not as an inferior or an obedient, submissive spouse.”

Power, Excitement, Sex and Sex Starved Women

Women want excitement in their lives.

This is demonstrated in the “fictional” story told in the 1890s novel “Bel-Ami” and in the real life story of flamboyaunt New York City Mayor Jimmy Walker [who was divorced by his second wife Betty Compton, when he could no longer provide the excitment she craved] and further demonstrated in the real lives of countless other politicians and lives of countless other powerful men.

The main male character (Georges Duroy) in “Bel-Ami” is a man who at the beginning of the story has no status or money.

He is poor, young, attractive and very ambitioous.

He is all alone.

He sincerely believes that he needs and wants a woman by his side, a woman who would above all be able to advise him, to comfort them and support him, a life-partner or wife who would be an associate and an ally.

To achieve “success”, Mr. Duroy seduces a series of wealthy, married, influential society beauties.

The story recounted in “Bel-Ami” makes it clear that high society women do not get enough sex.  The stories told in this book repeatedly make it clear that the women of powerful men believe having sex with their spouse to be a “job” and for many of them it is a distasteful job.

That situation is not uncommon, in modern times or today.

The Modern Day Sex Starved Wife

I have often heard from highly educated single woman that their married friends have not had sex with their husbands for ten years or more.

I have been told the same thing by married women.

I have been told the same thing by a woman who has lived with her boyfriend for more than ten or twenty years.

This woman told me that her favorite pastime is going shopping.

The Human Sex Drive

Recently, I spent three months conducting a survey in which I asked successful educated men and women, “What do you think is the strongest human drive?”  Over 75% of them answered: “Sex drive.”

The main character in “Bel-Ami” convincingly remarks that the only reason more married women don’t have affairs is that they are afraid of the scandal that would occur if it were discovered.

My “Words of Wisdom” to Women Who Want to Marry A Young Man Or A Divorced Man or A Man Over 50 Years Old

It is difficult to know what you are about to get into.

With a successful man, you know what you are getting; with someone just beginning you never know where he will finish up.

That may be a bad thing or it may be a good thing.

Here is what to expect:

• Many young aggressive ambitious men will refuse to get married because they have been terrorized by what they saw their mother do to their father’s financial well-being.
• What they saw happen during and as a result of their father’s divorce from their mother was so gruesome they would not consider taking the chance of a similar thing happening to them.
• Many men who have been divorced will refuse to get married again, at least for a while, because of what happened to them in their divorce.
• Not many old men or young men “buy into” the modern concept that marriage partners are equal partners who will share all sharable responsibilities equally once they become married.  This may cause a lot of friction for both parties.
• The human body is “designed” to last about 50 years.  After that it begins to deteriorate, it begins to fall apart.

Biologically speaking, the living machines we call our bodies were not designed to operate/function past the time necessary to reproduce and raise our young.

Our bodies wear out and our health wanes as we grow older.

Women and men should think about such things before they happen.

The fact that our bodies will wear out and the fact that our health will deteriorate before we die has profound social, financial and medical implications for both women and for men.

When you grow older you will have to take care of your “physical self.”

Do you want to take care of someone else whose body is falling apart, whose body is in an advanced state of deterioration?

A Cautionary Tale

Women and men only get to know each other as a person as they observe what that person does day after day.

I know a man who lived with his wife several years before he married her.

Before they were married, every night, after they ate  dinner together, they both went together for a walk together.

After they were married, the man said to his wife one night when they had finished eating their dinner together: “Let’s go for a walk.”

His wife replied, “I don’t like going for walks.”

Ever since then, they haven’t been going for walks together after dinner.

Often women act differently towards their husbands after they become married.

Likewise, many women find that their husbands act differently towards them after they become married.

I have heard the following complaints time after time from women:

1. Much to their disgust their husband dominated them while they were married.
2. Their husband didn’t and/or doesn’t respect them.
3. Their husband has verbally abused them.
4. Their husband has physically abused them.
5. Their husband stopped being romantic and considerate after they became married.
6. Their husband became a new and different person after they were married.

Some men have remarked to me that more men are abused by women than women are abused by men.

See my post titled “An Opinion On Why Some Power Couple Marriages Succeed, Some Marriages Fail” posted on the Gary S. Smolker Idea Exchange Blog (at http://www.garysmolker.wordpress.com) on February 21, 2015.

Optimism

People keep on getting married, albeit at lesser rates.

People keep on getting divorced.

Nothing is easy.

Here is what Fred Astaire said about dancing: “It took me 15 years to make it look easy.”

Although he was not talking about being married or marriage Rudolf Diesel – the inventor and developer of the diesel engine – wisely observed that anyone who wants to accomplish something great must be an optimist.

“One must desire a lot in order to reach anything…. Invention means guiding a correct idea which has been sifted from a large group of erroneous ideas, through numerous failures and compromises to practical success. For that reason , every inventor [i.e., every participant in a relationship] must be an optimist.” – Rudolf Diesel, inventor

That applies to having any type of successful relationship, including a relationship between a woman and a man.

You must decide whether you will do enough to make your relationship(s) work.

Winner Take All

By the way, in some species sexual competition is almost a winner-take-all-contest.

In elephant seals, for example, one dominant male may account for over 80 percent of all copulations with females on a particular beach, and almost as high a proportion of all offspring.

Profound Implications of Evolutionary Theory

Consider the fact that you are not going to live forever.

Consider the fact that our bodies are not designed for healthy long lives.

What does that mean?  What are the action implications of that?

These two facts are forcibly discussed in the Spring 2015 issue of SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN in an article written by S. Jay Olshansky, Bruce A. Carnes and Robert N. Butler, titled “If Humans Were Built to Last.”

According to those authors:

1. Our bodies are optimized for successful reproduction and child-rearing but are not necessarily designed for healthy long lives.
2. Our bodies lack perfect maintenance and repair systems.
3. Our bodies are not built for extended use or perpetual health.
4. It is important to recognize that we live in a world in which human ingenuity has made it possible for an unprecedented number of people to grow old.
5. At this point in history, we need to exploit our expanding knowledge of evolution to enhance the quality of our lives as grow older because the single-minded pursuit of life extension without considering health extension could be disastrous.

To a significant degree, the potential length of our lives and, to a lesser degree, the duration of our health and vitality are genetic legacies from our ancient ancestors, who needed to mature quickly to produce children before they were killed by the hostile forces of nature.

We are living much longer than our bodies are designed to exist.

Women think about that more than men do.

Women realize they have different needs and different likes and different desires at different stages of their lives.

In terms of getting along with women or with men or with yourself,  (paraphrasing the philosopher William James), “The greatest discovery you can make is that you can alter your life by altering your attitude.” 

Like it or not, the world changes and so will you.

The Most Important Tool You Will Ever Encounter

“Remembering that I will be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life.”  – Steve Jobs, co-founder of Apple Computer

Repeated contemplation of aging and our eventual death – realizing that we will not last forever – can both lessen anxiety about it and help keep us focused on the aspects of life that matter most.

The Craziness of Many Men

People complain about how insecure shallow and “crazy” women are.

Keep in mind taht many men are insecure shallow and crazy too.

Consider the craziness of many men about the size of their penis.

The following quotes are from the April 2015 issue of the “University of California Wellness Letter.”

It’s only human to feel dissatisfied with some body part, with men, in particular, often focusing on their penis size.  According to an analysis of Google searches by Americans, reported in the New York Times in January, ‘men make more searches asking how to make their penises bigger than how to tune a guitar, make an omelet, or change a tire.

“Penis size is not something the vast majority of men need to worry about, actually.  The average penis measures 3 1/2 inches long, to 5 to 7 inches when erect.  Mythology and pornography to the contrary, penis size is only one factor in sexual pleasure.”

Spending Your Entire Life with Another Person. Spending Your Entire Life with a “Life Partner”

If you are considering marrying a particular man or woman, my advice to you is ask yourself the following question: Is this someone you want to spend the rest of your life with?

If you are attracted to a rich and powerful person, consider what Ben Hecht said about Mayor Walker: “No man could have held life so carelessly without falling down a manhole before he was done.”

By the way, no one can read your mind.

If you want something, or don’t like something, let the other person know.

Good luck and best wishes,

Gary

 

Gary S. Smolker, Publisher
Gary S. Smolker Idea Exchange Blog
www.garysmolker.wordpress.com

 

 

Copyright © 2015 by Gary S. Smolker

Panache, Feminism, What Women Want, How to Host A Dinner Party, How To Build the Future, Relationships and Other Topics Discussed in “How to Be Parisian Wherever You Are” and in “Zero to One” – a book report by Gary S. Smolker

Challenge

The challenge presented to you in this post is to answer the following questions.

1. What do men need to know about women?
2. What should fathers tell their sons about women?
3. What should fathers tell their daughters about women?
4. What should mothers tell their daughters about women?
5. What is feminism?
6. Where does feminism come from?
7. Where is feminism going?
8. Is there a psychology of personality?
9. What is the strongest human drive?
10. What is style?
11. What is a thinking man’s well-balanced attitude towards life?
12. What is a thinking woman’s well-balanced attitude towards life?
13. What do people need to know about the importance of relationships in their social and business lives?
14. What are your bad habits?
15. How are you going to build your future?
16. What should parents/teachers tell children/students about how to build the future?

PANACHE, ATTITUDE, THE ART OF BEING A WOMAN, BEING A BON VIVANT & FEMINISM

“How To Be A Parisian Wherever You Are” is written with verve and wit, and is spiced by wisdom and style.

It is written by four Frenchwomen (Anne Berest, Audrey Diwan, Caroline de Maigret and Sophie Mas).

It is about values, good taste, attitude, having fun, style, enjoying life as a continuing delight, and relationships.

It is about the art of living, from the point of view of four Frenchwoman who are Parisians and feminists.

According to Anne, Audrey, Caroline and Sophie:

“Being a feminist and appreciating gallantry are not necessarily incompatible – on the contrary.  Making an effort, being attentive: it doesn’t take much and yet it makes a world of difference…When you encourage his chivalry, a man becomes more a man, a woman more a woman.

“And so its only normal that:

“He hold the door for you.

“He carry your suitcases and your shopping – a woman only ever carriers her handbag.

“He pour your wine; you should never have to touch the bottle.  It suits him – that way you’ll get drunk faster.”

THE SECRET OF MAKING A MAN KNOW YOU NEED HIM

“How To Be A Parisian Wherever You Are” is a fun read, full of good advice, humor, humorous advice and witty social commentary, examples follow, beginning with what the authors – who are quintessential Frenchwomen/feminists – Anne, Audrey, Caroline, and Sophie describe as The Art of Making A Man Believe You Need Him.

“The secret of making a man know you need him:

“Of course you can open a bottle of wine by yourself.

“But let him do it.  That’s equality too.”

GENDER EQUALITY

The Frenchwomen I know believe in gender equality.

For example, I read the following quote from “How To Be A Parisian Wherever You Are” to a female friend of mine who is a Parisienne:

“When it comes to driving, there’s only one rule the Parisienne follows: may the best driver win.

“Sometimes she’ll cut off a male driver, for the sake of gender equality; to prove that she too has balls.”

She replied:

“I have many balls.  That is probably why I can wear pants easily.

“I usually cut or race people with my car if they annoyed me or I think they had an inappropriate driving attitude to me, no matter what gender they have.”More Fun Witty and Often Wise Advice

More Fun Witty and Often Wise Advice

from Anne, Audrey, Caroline and Sophie

 THE BATTLE OF THE SEXES

“One must live with the opposite sex, not against them.  Except when making love.”

WE ALL HAVE A LOT TO LEARN

A stunningly beautiful intelligent and witty Frenchwoman, told me, after reading the original version of this post:

“I did not know that the reason behind men pouring you wine in your glass was to make you drunk quicker.  I’ll be careful next time!!!”

BE YOURSELF

In “How To Be A Parisian Wherever You Are”, Anne, Audrey, Caroline and Sophie quote the following statement made by Marcel Proust.

“When you work to please others you can’t succeed, but the things you do to satisfy yourself stand a chance of catching someone’s interest.” – Marcel Proust, PASTICHES ET MELANGES

I agree with the sentiment expressed by Marcel Proust in that statement.

That sentiment is dramatized in Chris Rock’s new movie “Top Five.”

In “Top Five”, the main character, albeit he is a fictional character, is true to himself, is true to who he really is.

The main character in “Top Five” doesn’t sell out to a desire to make money and/or to a desire to keep his fame.

He decides he wants to be a “serious actor” and although he is a successful comedian he goes for it.

The movie shows us what this fictional character has to (and/or might have to) give up in order to become who he wants to be.

Recently released movies, “The Theory of Everything” and “The Imitation Game”, also dramatize that theme.

Both “The Theory of Everything” and “The Imitation Game”  are about “real people.” –

“The Theory of Everything” is about Stephen Hawking.  “The Imitation Game” is about Alan Turing.

Stephen Hawking and Alan Turing never gave up being who they really are.

I believe Stephen Hawking has been fantastically successful and Alan Turing was so fantastically successful because each one of them took the time to figure out who he really is/was and what he really wants/wanted.

Each of these two movies (“The Theory of Everything” and “The Imitation Game”), in its own way, is an exceptional love story.

Each of these two movies is a positive testimony to the human spirit.

During their lifetime, while still young men, each one of these two men (Hawking and Turing) met a woman who was a unique match for him personally.

Hawking and Turing each love(d) each of these unique women with the greatest passion and sincere feelings for the rest of their lives.

These unique women, in turn, who would love them with equal passion and sincere caring for the rest of their lives.

You are invited to read my movie reviews of “Top Five”, “The Theory of Everything” and “The Imitation Game” posted on the “Gary S. Smolker Idea Exchange Blog” at http://www.garysmolker.wordpress.com.

TAKE YOUR TIME

Anne, Audrey, Caroline and Sophie advise:

• Take the time to ask yourself who you are and what you want.
• Take the time to listen and to get to know yourself.
• Take the time to change, to grow, to rest.
• Take the time to take the time because no one else will do it for you.

I wholeheartedly agree.

THE PLACE TO GO ON A SMART DATE

In “How to Be A Parisian Wherever You Are”, in addition to giving advice and making social commentary, Anne, Audrey, Caroline, and Sophie also ask and answer important questions.

For example, they ask the very important question: Why live life halfway?

Their advice: “Cultivate your allure.”

According to Anne, Audrey, Caroline and Sophie, the place to go on a date is:

“A painting in front of which you arrange to meet your date so that he knows your true intentions.  For example: ‘LIBERTY LEADING THE PEOPLE’ by Delacroix: a woman not afraid to show her breasts.”

Musee du Louvre, 75001 Paris

WHAT WOMEN WANT

According to Anne, Audrey, Caroline and Sophie:

“During the reigns of Louis XIII and XIV, some women of the court created a feminist movement to fight against the prevailing misogyny of the era.  These women sought tenderness and restraint.  They wanted to hear sweet nothings whispered in their ears – to be charmed and won over with wit and grace, before being whisked off to bed.

“The writer Madeleine de Scudery was the leader of this movement.  She drew a map of an imaginary country called Tenderness.  In order to reach the city of Love, one had to pass through several small villages, each one a step toward winning the heart of one’s beloved.”

It is my experience, in the industrialized world, that women of today still want that.

HOW TO HOST A DINNER PARTY

I believe to invite people to dine with us is to make ourselves responsible for their well-being as long as they are under our roof, that includes guiding  (provoking) them to talk about interesting topics.

I believe Anne, Audrey, Caroline and Sophie agree with that sentiment too.

In their book (“How To Be A Parisian Wherever You Are”), Anne, Audrey, Caroline and Sophie advise that you do your utmost to avoid dinner parties with more than six guests around the table, and suggest that, if possible, you get the conversation with a controversial statement before dinner is served, provide examples of controversial topics to get the conversation flowing, suggest topics to discuss with the main course (as well as what to serve as a main course) and suggest and provide other topics to discuss with desert (as well as what to serve as desert), provide recipes for each dish and provide descriptions of games they suggest you should play together with your guests (and how to play them) after dinner.

I have my own ideas on how to dine with friends and guests.

See my (Gary S. Smolker’s) comments on dinning with friends and guests in my post entitled “The Pure Essence of the Good Life” posted on this blog (“The Gary S. Smolker Idea Exchange Blog”, at http://www.garysmolker.wordpress.com) on December 9, 2011, an excerpt of which is quoted below.

THE WAY IN WHICH MEALS ARE ENJOYED IS VERY IMPORTANT TO THE HAPPINESS OF LIFE.

If you want to experience the effect of gourmandism on happiness, I highly recommend eating a meal with someone who wishes to eat with joy who you wish to please and who wishes to please you or with a group of people who wish to please each other.

When gourmandism is shared by such people, as by eating a meal … by any … great chef  – or prepared by someone who loves you or prepared by you for someone you love – you will find it has the most marked influence, on the happiness which can be found in being with another person.

People who share the pleasure of the table have, at least on that occasion, a pleasant opportunity to be together; they have a subject of conversation which is forever new; they can talk not only of what they are eating, but also of what they have eaten, what they will eat, and what they have noticed at other tables if they are in a restaurant or cafe or bistro or bar or at a party in a private home; they can discuss fashionable dishes, new recipes, and so on and so on – whatever is on their mind.

It is well known that intimate table talk [CHITCHAT] is full of its own charm.

THE EFFECT OF GOURMANDISM ON SOCIABILITY

Quoting from “The Physiology of Taste” by Brillant-Savarin:

“Gourmandism is one of the most important influences in the social life; it gradually spreads the spirit of conviviality which brings together day-to-day differing kinds of people, melts them into a whole, animates their conversation, and softens the sharp corners of the conventional inequalities of position and breeding.

“It is gourmandism, too, which motivates the effort any host must make to take good care of his guests, as well as their own gratitude when they perceive that he has employed all his knowledge and tact to please them; and it is fitting at this very place to point out with scorn those stupid diners who gulp down in disgraceful indifference the most nobly prepared dishes, or who inhale with impious inattention the bouquet of a limpid nectar.”

General Rule: “Any preparation which springs from a high intelligence demands explicit praise, and a tactful expression of appreciation must always be made whenever it is plain that there is any attempt to please.”

 Controversial Political Statements

Anne, Audrey, Caroline and Sophie recommend that a dinner party begin with the discussion of a controversial political statement:

“If possible, get the [dinner party] conversation flowing with a controversial political statement.

– As a matter of fact, we’re witnessing a shift in the class struggle.  It’s no longer workers against employers; it’s about immigration.  And at the end of the day it’s the poor against the poor. 

– Capitalism has succeeded in its aim of making sure that the workers are no longer battling against those above them, but instead, those below them.  Marx was right all along.

– Explain to me the difference between the right and the left.

– It’s very simple!  For the right, if the individual thrives, so does society.  For the left, if society thrives, so does the individual.

Once the guests have stopped arguing and the conversation is beginning to thin, to avoid veering towards the topic of children [or the gender gap, marriage, or the Middle East, Islam, education or gun control] the hostess should suggest that everyone take their seats at the dinner table.

The portions should be generous and the table should look pretty.  Don’t forget the flowers.  Above all the cook should never appear stressed out – everything must look effortless.”

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In December, 2014, after the grand juries decided not to indict the police in the Michael Brown and Eric Garner cases, Columbia Law School Interim Dean Robert Scott announced to students that Columbia Law School will permit them to postpone finals due to trauma from grand jury results and will be providing counselling sessions to handle the “traumatic effects” of the non-indictments in the Michael Brown and Eric Garner cases.

When I mentioned this to “friends” I got fantastic results.

One friend wrote to me:

“What a crock!  If I were calling the shots at Columbia Law School I would make that ‘interim’ Dean Robert Scott reign would end by sundown.  He probably has a great need to go home to his Mother and nurse his trauma.”

Another friend wrote me:

“Pathetic!  Will the gutless pandering never cease?  Culturally we have gone off the deep end and are too stupefied to scream!!”

A third friend wrote to me:

“The Michael Brown and Eric Garner cases have been horrifying – not only for the events of the cases themselves but also the aftermath and the comments of the people around me.

“I have listened to white and non-white friends alike about their thoughts.  The white friends hae shown me in a vast group to be on the side of the police and ‘the law.’

“These events which have only solidified my loss of faith in cops and the law show us the direction our country is moving in – control people with force and violence so as to not shake the powers that be.

“At least Columbia Law School is recognizing the personal trauma law students are particularly facing.  If I was a law student at this time, I would be writing essays and cases studies that try to make fun of the law, the courts, and the people who are supposed to enforce it all by poking at philosophical holes.  I doubt I would be popular with my professors; at least, I would have my sanity.

“Despite my absence, I have been keeping up with your emails as I have time to read.  I hope we can meet up soon!  Sounds like you are doing well stirring the pot of ideas and encouraging engagement and critical thinking.  I may want my own school, but you are more than ready for yours!”

ITS GOOD TO KNOW HOW TO LOOK BEYOND YOUR PRECONCEPTIONS

In “Zero to One”, Peter Thiel (co-founder of PayPal) advises:

• “Because every innovation is new and unique, no authority can prescribe in concrete terms how to be innovative. Indeed, the single most powerful pattern I have noticed is that successful people find value in unexpected places, and they do this by thinking … [thinking  from first principles.]
• “Brilliant thinking is rare, but courage is in ever shorter supply than genius.
• “The most contrarian thing of all is not to oppose the crowd but to think for yourself.
• Be so good at what it is you/your company do/does that no other firm/person can offer a close substitute.
• Do not lose sight of competitive reality.
• In the real world, every business is successful exactly to the extent it does something others cannot.
• “The hazards of imitative competition may partially explain why individuals with an Asperger’s-like social ineptitude seem to be at an advantage in Silicon Valley today.  If you’re less sensitive to social cues, you’re less likely to do the same thing as everyone around you.
• “Success is never accidental.
• “Ralph Waldo Emerson captured this ethos when he wrote: ‘Shallow men believe in luck, believe in circumstances….Strong men believe in cause and effect.”
• Do not overrate the power of chance and underrate the power of planning.
• Determine the one best thing to do and then do it.
• Strive to be great at something substantive, to be a monopoly of one.
• Think for yourself.
• “Statistics don’t work when the sample size is one.
• “If you treat the future as something definite, it makes sense to understand it in advance and to work to shape it.  But if you expect an indefinite future ruled by randomness, you’ll give up on trying to master it.
• Why should you expect to succeed [or your own business to succeed] without a plan to make it happen?
• Make concrete plans for a better future.
• “A business with a good definite plan will always be underrated in a world where people see the future as random.
• You can change the world through careful planning, not by listening to focus group feedback or copying others’ success.
• Don’t expect your business to succeed without a plan to make it happen.
• “This extraordinary stark pattern, in which a small few radically outstrip all rivals, surrounds us everywhere in the natural and social world.
• “It does matter what you do.  You should focus relentlessly on something you’re good at doing, but before doing that you must think hard about whether it will be valuable in the future.
• “…total VC [Venture Capital] accounts for less than 0.2% of GDP.  But the results of those investments disproportionately propel the entire economy.  Venture-backed companies create 11% of all private sector jobs.  They generate annual revenues equivalent to an astounding 21% of GDP.  Indeed, the dozen largest tech companies were all venture-backed.  Together those 12 companies are worth more than $2 trillion, more than all other tech companies combined.”

Who Is Peter Thiel?

Here is a quote, from Peter Thiel’s book, “Zero to One”:

“The first team that I built has become known in Silicon Valley as the ‘PayPal Mafia’ because so many of my former colleagues have gone on to help each other start and invest in tech companies.  We sold PayPal to eBay for $1.5 billion in 2002.  Since then, Elon Musk ahs founded SpaceX and co-founded Tesla Motors; Reid Hoffman co-founded LinkedIn; Steve Chen, Chad Hurley and Jawed Karim together founded YouTube; Jeremy Stoppelman and Russel Simmons founded Yelp; David Sacks co-founded Yammer; and I co-founded Palantir.  Today all seven of those companies are worth more than $1 billion each.  PayPal’s office amenities never got much press, but the team has done extraordinary well, both together and individually: the culture was strong enough to transcend the original company. 

“We didn’t assemble a mafia by sorting through resumes and simply hiring the most talented people.  I had seen the mixed results of that approach firsthand when I worked at a New York law firm.  The lawyers I worked with ran a valuable business, and they were impressive individuals one by one.  But the relationships between them were oddly thin.  They spent all day together, but few of them seemed to have much to say to each other outside the office.  Why work with a group of people who don’t even like each other?  Many seem to think it’s a sacrifice necessary for making money.  But taking a merely professional view of the workplace, in which free agents check in and check out on a transactional basis, is worse than cold: it’s not even rational.  Since time is your most valuable asset, it’s odd to spend it working with people who don’t envision any long-term future together.  If you can’t count durable relationships among the fruits of your time at work, you haven’t invested your time well – even in purely financial terms.

“From the start, I wanted PayPal to be tightly knit instead of transactional.  I thought stronger relationships would make us not just happier and better at work but also more successful in our careers beyond PayPal.  So we set out to hire people who would actually enjoy working together.  They had to be talented, but even more than that they had to be excited about working specifically about working with us.  That was the start of the PayPal Mafia.”

Peter Thiel is an entrepreneur and inventor.  He started PayPal in 1998, led it as CEO, and took it public in 2002.

In 2004 he made the first outside investment in Facebook, where he serves as a director.

He has provided early funding for LinkedIn, Yelp and other technology startups.

He is a partner at Founders Fund, a venture capital firm that has funded companies like SpaceX and Airbnb.

Peter Thiel with Blake Masters is the author of “Zero to One” published in 2014.

He leads the Thiel Foundation, which encourages people to build a better future, to work to advance technological progress and long-term thinkg about the future.

CONCLUSION

Good living is an act of intelligence.

Don’t forget to daydream in the bath and to enjoy dinning with friends.

Copyright © 2014 by Gary S. Smolker

Burning Questions Prompted by Stephen Hawking’s Motor Neuron Disease and Sex Life Depicted in the Movie “The Theory of Everything” – and movie review by Gary S. Smolker

 

Updated October 12, 2014

 

September 9, 2014

 Burning Questions

Last night I saw the world premier of “The Theory of Everything”, a movie about Professor Stephen Hawking, a world renown theoretical physicist and cosmologist, at the 2014 Toronto International Film Festival in Toronto, Canada.

The movie prompted the following questions, in my mind:

1. After Stephen Hawking lost the ability to control his motor function – the ability of his brain to control his muscles – how was he able to continue to have erections? [Aside: After Dr. Hawking had advanced stage motor neuron disease – the inability to control his muscles with his brain – he and his wife had three children together.]
2. Is Dr. Hawking’s life story proof (or even evidence) that a man’s brain has no control over his penis, or the activity of his penis?
3. Is Dr. Hawking lucky that there is no known medical treatment for motor neuron disease? [Aside: When it was discovered that Dr. Hawking had motor neuron disease, his physician told him, “I’m sorry there is nothing we/medicine can do for you.  You have two years to live.”]
4. Is Dr. Hawking lucky that he and his wife were told that he had two years more, at most, to live when he was diagnosed as having motor neuron disease?
5. Is the world or Dr. Hawking and/or Jane Wilde lucky that medical science believed Stephen Hawking had at most two years to live when it was diagnosed that he had motor neuron disease?

Background

Dr. Hawking was a young graduate student at Cambridge when he was diagnosed as having motor neuron disease.

When he leaned he had motor neuron disease and only two years to live, he told his girl-friend Jane Wilde to “go away.”

Stephen explained to Jane that he had only two more years to live and that he would loose his physical abilities over that time.

Jane replied: “Then lets enjoy all of those remaining moments of your life together.  I can’t go away because I love you.”

After that:

1. He (Stephen Hawking) married her (Jane Wilde) while he was a young graduate student at Cambridge.
2. After learning he had at most two years to live, Dr. Stephen Hawking went on to earn and received a Ph.D. in Theoretical Physics and became a member of the world renown faculty at Cambridge University.
3. While earning his Ph.D. degree and afterwards, Dr. Hawking formulated/created breath taking theories about the universe.
4. Although Professor Hawking couldn’t speak (because he couldn’t control his vocal cords) he dictated a book (“A Brief History of Time”), which sold over 10 million copies.
5. Dr. Hawking and his wife Jane Wilde had three children together.
6. When this movie was recently made, Professor Stephen Hawking was over 70 years old.
7. Professor Stephen Hawking is still alive.

Take Away

Intellectually gifted people are complex.

It is difficult to put them in a box because their minds are always expanding while they try to understand the mysteries of the universe.

Both Professor Hawking and his wife are heart centered people.

Throughout this movie the audience is shown Stephen Hawking taking one loving action after another to make Jane’s life better and Jane is shown taking one loving action after another to make Stephen’s life better.

There are many twists and turns in their lives as their story unfolds in this film unfolds.

In one scene, Jane, as Stephen’s wife, “saves” Stephen’s “life” by insisting that an operation go forward that might result in his death.

Their “love story” is one of the most romantic love stories of all time.

All people contemplating marriage should  ask themselves the following two questions regarding being a marriage partner:

1. Would you marry him/her if you knew he/she only had two years to live and would be losing  their physical abilities during the next two years?
2. Would you marry him/her if you knew he/she would be wheel chair bound and couldn’t speak or take care of himself/herself and is going to continue to live that way for more than 50 years?

Throughout this movie, this couple’s  (Stephen Hawking’s and Jane Wilde’s) behavior exemplifies the highest degree of  (a) mutual affection and practical companionship, (b) beauty and poise, (c) inherent grace, (d) the elemental beauty of humanity, (e) how one person in the universe (Jane Wilde) values another person’s skill, character and intelligence over the the other person’s physical appearance and physical ability.

Stephen Hawking and Jane show their extreme love for each other and their children by containing their own personal desires.

Dr. Hawking and Jane Wilde are depicted throughout this film as people who have a poetic nature and love spirit.

Throughout this movie they pulsate with energy at all times.

The audience see them at all times engaged in an intense genuine romantic love affair with each other.

They are an inspiration, a personification of the victory that may be achieved by a person who has spirited confidence and fully loves another unconditionally.

Contact me direct or by leaving a comment at the end of this post if you would like to discuss the film or any of the issues raised in this movie review.

I am willing to discuss the following two extremely controversial issues:

1. (1) the issue of why I think the love expressed by Stephen Hawking and Jane Wilde for each other is one of the most romantic love stories of all time, and
2. (2) the issue of why I think Stephen Hawking, Jane Wilde and the world is lucky that medical science believed Stephen Hawking had at most two years more to live when Stephen Hawking was diagnosed as having motor neuron disease.

My email address is GSmolker@aol.com

Points of Excellence

The story told in this movie is a completely original story about two exceptional people and the exceptional lives they have lived.  The story told in this movie is not stolen from literature or from another movie.

Their lives, as portrayed in this movie has a strong clear consistent moral story line.

This movie communicates a clear consistent story.

At all times, the audience has a clear consistent understanding of what is going on and what the actors need to do next.

The characters in this movie reflect the zeitgeist of modern times.

The romance that exists between Stephen Hawking and Jane Wilde ignites the imagination and provides an ethical direction for other people to follow.

The way the characters are shown dealing with each other and their own lives makes the characters in this movie great and also makes this a great movie.

The acting in this movie by the man playing Stephen Hawking (Eddie REdmayne) is fabulous.

Felicity Jones (playing Jane Wilde) also puts in a stellar performance.

James Marsh does a great job of directing.

Anthony McCarten’s screenplay is a work of genius.

 

Copyright ©2014 Gary S. Smolker