What Women Want (P.S. It Is A Two-Way Street.) – by Gary S. Smolker

March 14, 2015

 

After many personal experiences, interviews of strangers, conversations with friends and much study and research, I have come to the following conclusions about what women like, need, want, think about and ought to think about.

Women Like

Women like to be loved; they like attention and they like to go shopping.

The main thing women need is attention.

They need attention in big ways and in little ways.

Giving them a flower or a big bouquet of flowers will make them equally happy.

Small gestures of love go a long way.

A gift given to please someone doesn’t have to be a big gift.  Just a chocolate or a flower will do.

But, if you know what she likes and give her exactly what she likes that will go a long way.

Attraction

Women are physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, financially and innately attracted to men.

Once in a while a woman, a one in a thousand woman, will see a man across the room and immediately know in her heart of hearts: I want that man with all his flaws and everything that drives me mad.

Women love men who are physical in their behavior.  They love men who can’t stop touching them.

Women love men who are

1. with them when they are with them;
2. always want to be close to them;
3. always want to touch them;
4. always want to make love to them.

Mature women don’t need a man who will stick to them all the time.

1. But, it is very necessary for them to feel there is a future, especially if they are in love.
2. At a minimum, women need to know there will be a tomorrow.
3. Women “need” a man with whom they can plan for the future.
4. Women are impatient with how long it takes a relationship to grow.
5. Once women are “in love” they become “demanding”: they demand that the man they love be loyal and share his life and future with them.
6. A man who is not willing to commit to one woman is very disturbing.
7. Women want a man they can share a lot with, someone to grow old with.
8. Women need a man who will give them back the feelings they have for him.

Not having the “attention” of a man in her life drives many women crazy.

But not all women are that way.

Women have different needs at different stages of their lives.

Many Women Are Driven by Need. Other Women Are Driven by Love.

Many American women act out of “need.”  They do not act out of “love.”

Their thoughts about men, their actions towards men and their attraction to a man is driven by their selfishness, and their needs and neediness.

For women driven by their “needs”/”neediness” everything boils down to their self-centeredness and need.  Their selfishness is driven by a desire to achieve power, wealth and security.

They look at their relationships with men as being a “job.”

In their minds, they are “entitled to something” in exchange for what they are doing and/or in exchange for what they will be doing or in exchange for what they have done.

Their actions are not from the heart.

These women are mechanical in their thinking, which is “What is in this for me?” 

They think of the man/men in their life as being someone to provide financial support, someone to pay their bills, someone to provide food, shelter, clothing, cars, jewelry, and furs.

Some of those kind of women look to the man/men in their life to provide them with money to deposit in their bank account, to make personal investments for them, and  to provide money fto them for them to use in making their own personal investments.

These women are “disconnected.”

They believe in life “everyone is solely for themselves, everyone is to act solely for their own self-interest.”

Their selfishness is very disconnecting.  Selfish people don’t see they hurt other people.

• They don’t see the needs of another person.
• They do not restrain themselves or do without anything they want or bother or worry or fret about the conflict between the whims of their desires and the wants and needs of other people.
• They are unable to have empathy for another person.

Selfish people strip life of its poetry.

Not all women are selfish or self-centered.

Other women (those who are mature) understand that if you love someone you must do your most to make the person you love happy.

They understand that a “relationship” is work, that you must work on your relationship every day.

People come from different backgrounds, have been raised differently and have had different experiences.

For those reasons, people look at and think about the same thing differently.

In order for their to be a “good relationship” each party must recognize that and respect and accomodate the other party’s point of view.

For biological and evolutionary reasons, the strongest drive in most women has been to have children and to protect their children.

Those women and many other women are driven by love.

Inner Spirit

Innately, for biological and physiological reasons, people innately have a tremendous drive to reproduce.

Some women look at men as being necessary for reproductive purposes and get married primarily because they want to have children.and to have a “family.”

These women have a “mating mind”; they feel it is their purpose in life to repopulate the planet.

Their priority in life is to get pregnant, have children and create their own “family.”

Their urge to have children is so strong, that if they can’t have children “naturally”, they will go through artificial insemination and/or they will have a surrogate mother inseminated and “carry” the “child” to birth and/or they adopt one or more children.

Everyone who wants to have a child wants to have a child/children who will survive, thrive and prosper.

But, they also want to “enjoy” their own lives.

This “inner spirit” drives women to be sexually attracted not only to men with pretty faces, healthy fertile bodies, and high social status, but also be attracted to men who are witty, articulate, generous, and conscious.

Conversation, charm and wit count.

Mate Choice Guides Evolution

In Charles Darwin’s 900 page two-volume book “The Descent of Man, and Selection in Relation to Sex”, Darwin makes the claim that mate choice guides evolution.  That book was published in 1871.

In that book Darwin argued that sexual selection depends “not on a struggle for existence in relation to other organic beings or to external conditions, but to a struggle between the individuals in one sex, generally the males, for the possession of the other sex.  The result is not death to the unsuccessful competitor, but few or no offspring.”

Darwin’s conviction that evolution was a matter of differences in reproduction rather than just differences in survival was exceptional.

Darwin’s notion that mate choice could shape organic form was without scientific precedent.

Darwin proposed/realized that the agents of sexual selection are the brains and bodies of sexual rivals and potential rivals, rather than the pressures of a physical habitat or a biological niche.

In The Descent, Darwin portrayed mate choice as a psychological process that guides organic evolution.  Darwin wrote:

“He who admits the principle of sexual selection will be led to the remarkable conclusion that the cerebral system not only regulates most of the existing functions of the body, but has indirectly influenced the various bodily structures and of certain mental qualities.  Courage, pugnacity, perseverance, strength and size of body, weapons of all kinds, musical organs, both vocal and instrumental, bright colors, stripes and marks, and ornamental appendages, have all been indirectly gained by one sex or the other, through the influence of love and jealousy, through the appreciation of the beautiful sound, color or form, and through the exertion of a choice; and these powers of the mind manifestly depend on the development of the cerebral system.”

Simply put, Darwin’s “Female Choice Theory” is that males are sexual objects accepted or rejected by female choice.

Males Court and Females Choose

Is that a surprise?  Is it a surprise that men court and females choose?

In the 1990s evolutionary psychologists reached a consensus that human intelligence evolved largely in response to social rather than ecological or technological challenges.

The idea that human intelligence evolved as a response to social rather than ecological or technical challenges in the environment was proposed by Charles Darwin in 18871, in The Descent.

Human Intelligence Evolves

If you are worried about what is going on in the world today, think about and take comfort in Darwin’s idea: Human intelligence evolves as a response to social challenges.

Sexual partner selection is the most fundamental form of social selection.

Male courtship of females is the premier example of social behavior.

Be that as it may, the perceived need to have children has always been with us.

Throughout human history most human cultures have been overtly polygynous.

Before the middle ages, in urban civilizations with high population densities, the men at the top of the hierarchy almost always had harems of hundreds of women producing hundreds of babies.  The first emperor of China reputedly had a harem of five hundred thousand.  King Moulay Ismail of Morocco reputedly produced over six hundred sons by his harem.

In ” The Mating Mind” author Geoffrey F. Miller explains:

“In hunter-gatherer cultures the men who are the most charming, the most respected, the most intelligent, and the best hunters tend to attract more than their fair share o female sexual attention.  They may have two or three times as many offspring as their less attractive competitors.  In pastoral cultures the men who have the largest herds of animals attract the most women.  In agricultural societies the men who have the most land, wealth, and military power attract the most women. 

“Those of us brought up in European-derived cultures tend to think of humans as monogamous, but in fact mating in our species has almost always been moderately polygamous.

“Polygyny does not mean that every male gets to father the offspring of many females – that would be a mathematical impossibility, given an equal sex ratio.  It means rather that a few males mate often and produce many offspring, and most males rarely, producing very few offspring.”

As a result of women historically being surpressed we are now witnessing a literal revolution in attitude towards females and the actions of females.

The concepts of gender equality and “fairness”  have now taken center stage in the minds of people throughout the world at large.

Temper of the Times

At the recent “Academy Awards Ceremony” (February 22, 2015) supporting actress winner Patricia Arquette spoke forcefully to the members of her own sex, saying, “it’s our time to have wage equality once and for all, and equal rights for women in the United States of America.”

Women feel suppressed.

Women tell each other they are not being treated as equals and they need to be treated as equals.

This makes them feel they are not respected.

Of course, everyone needs to feel respected.

When someone feels they are not respected that causes friction.

At the recent Academy Awards Ceremony (February 22, 2015), singer John Legend (John Stephens) and rapper Common (Lonnie Lynn) won the Academy Award for best original song for “Glory” (in the movie “Selma”).

In their acceptance speech, they pointedly addressed the parallels between the civil rights era and today.

Legend said: Selma is now because the struggle for justice is right now.  We know that the Voting Rights Act they fought for 50 years ago is being compromised right now in this country today.  We know right now the struggle for freedom and justice is real.”

Legend also said, “There are more black men under correctional control today than were under slavery in 1850.”

The family value of respect for your parents is often discussed and many people feel it is very important.

That includes respect for women, respect for mothers.

In his Academy Award Ceremony acceptance speech for the “best supporting actor award”, J. K. Simmons told the viewers of the Academy Award Ceremony: “Call your mom. Everybody – I’m told it’s like a billion people or so – call your mom, call you dad.  If you’re lucky enough to have a parent or two alive on this planet, call them.  Don’t text, don’t email – call them on the phone and tell them you love them, and thank them, and listen to them as long as they want to talk to you.”

Women today are bombarded with those kind of messages.

Women are constantly thinking about those things – respect for women, equal treatment of women, women not receiving equal treatment.

Those things are constantly on their minds.

A Growing Point of View

Being independent is not a new idea for women.

The desire of women to be independent is not a new desire.

For example, in the 1800s a few women were fiercely independent.

For example in the novel “Bel-Ami”, written by Guy De Maupassant and first published in 1885, a lead female character tells a man who has just told her that he loves her:

“A man in love no longer exists.  He becomes an idiot and a dangerous idiot at that.    I stop having any relationship with men who love me or claim to, first because they bore me and secondly because I feel suspicious of them as I would of a mad dog that may suddenly have a fit.  So I put them in quarantine until they’ve got over their attack.  Don’t forget.  I know perfectly well that for you love is merely a sort of appetite whereas for me it would be more of a sort of communion of souls which doesn’t exist in a male’s religion.

“For me marriage is not a shackle but an association.  I insist on being free, completely free to act as I think fit, go where I please, see whom I choose, whenever I wish.  I could never accept any authority or jealousy or questioning of my conduct.  Of course, I should undertake to never compromise the name of the man whom I married or expose him to odium or ridicule.  But the man would also have to undertake to look on me as an equal, an ally and not as an inferior or an obedient, submissive spouse.”

Power, Excitement, Sex and Sex Starved Women

Women want excitement in their lives.

This is demonstrated in the “fictional” story told in the 1890s novel “Bel-Ami” and in the real life story of flamboyaunt New York City Mayor Jimmy Walker [who was divorced by his second wife Betty Compton, when he could no longer provide the excitment she craved] and further demonstrated in the real lives of countless other politicians and lives of countless other powerful men.

The main male character (Georges Duroy) in “Bel-Ami” is a man who at the beginning of the story has no status or money.

He is poor, young, attractive and very ambitioous.

He is all alone.

He sincerely believes that he needs and wants a woman by his side, a woman who would above all be able to advise him, to comfort them and support him, a life-partner or wife who would be an associate and an ally.

To achieve “success”, Mr. Duroy seduces a series of wealthy, married, influential society beauties.

The story recounted in “Bel-Ami” makes it clear that high society women do not get enough sex.  The stories told in this book repeatedly make it clear that the women of powerful men believe having sex with their spouse to be a “job” and for many of them it is a distasteful job.

That situation is not uncommon, in modern times or today.

The Modern Day Sex Starved Wife

I have often heard from highly educated single woman that their married friends have not had sex with their husbands for ten years or more.

I have been told the same thing by married women.

I have been told the same thing by a woman who has lived with her boyfriend for more than ten or twenty years.

This woman told me that her favorite pastime is going shopping.

The Human Sex Drive

Recently, I spent three months conducting a survey in which I asked successful educated men and women, “What do you think is the strongest human drive?”  Over 75% of them answered: “Sex drive.”

The main character in “Bel-Ami” convincingly remarks that the only reason more married women don’t have affairs is that they are afraid of the scandal that would occur if it were discovered.

My “Words of Wisdom” to Women Who Want to Marry A Young Man Or A Divorced Man or A Man Over 50 Years Old

It is difficult to know what you are about to get into.

With a successful man, you know what you are getting; with someone just beginning you never know where he will finish up.

That may be a bad thing or it may be a good thing.

Here is what to expect:

• Many young aggressive ambitious men will refuse to get married because they have been terrorized by what they saw their mother do to their father’s financial well-being.
• What they saw happen during and as a result of their father’s divorce from their mother was so gruesome they would not consider taking the chance of a similar thing happening to them.
• Many men who have been divorced will refuse to get married again, at least for a while, because of what happened to them in their divorce.
• Not many old men or young men “buy into” the modern concept that marriage partners are equal partners who will share all sharable responsibilities equally once they become married.  This may cause a lot of friction for both parties.
• The human body is “designed” to last about 50 years.  After that it begins to deteriorate, it begins to fall apart.

Biologically speaking, the living machines we call our bodies were not designed to operate/function past the time necessary to reproduce and raise our young.

Our bodies wear out and our health wanes as we grow older.

Women and men should think about such things before they happen.

The fact that our bodies will wear out and the fact that our health will deteriorate before we die has profound social, financial and medical implications for both women and for men.

When you grow older you will have to take care of your “physical self.”

Do you want to take care of someone else whose body is falling apart, whose body is in an advanced state of deterioration?

A Cautionary Tale

Women and men only get to know each other as a person as they observe what that person does day after day.

I know a man who lived with his wife several years before he married her.

Before they were married, every night, after they ate  dinner together, they both went together for a walk together.

After they were married, the man said to his wife one night when they had finished eating their dinner together: “Let’s go for a walk.”

His wife replied, “I don’t like going for walks.”

Ever since then, they haven’t been going for walks together after dinner.

Often women act differently towards their husbands after they become married.

Likewise, many women find that their husbands act differently towards them after they become married.

I have heard the following complaints time after time from women:

1. Much to their disgust their husband dominated them while they were married.
2. Their husband didn’t and/or doesn’t respect them.
3. Their husband has verbally abused them.
4. Their husband has physically abused them.
5. Their husband stopped being romantic and considerate after they became married.
6. Their husband became a new and different person after they were married.

Some men have remarked to me that more men are abused by women than women are abused by men.

See my post titled “An Opinion On Why Some Power Couple Marriages Succeed, Some Marriages Fail” posted on the Gary S. Smolker Idea Exchange Blog (at http://www.garysmolker.wordpress.com) on February 21, 2015.

Optimism

People keep on getting married, albeit at lesser rates.

People keep on getting divorced.

Nothing is easy.

Here is what Fred Astaire said about dancing: “It took me 15 years to make it look easy.”

Although he was not talking about being married or marriage Rudolf Diesel – the inventor and developer of the diesel engine – wisely observed that anyone who wants to accomplish something great must be an optimist.

“One must desire a lot in order to reach anything…. Invention means guiding a correct idea which has been sifted from a large group of erroneous ideas, through numerous failures and compromises to practical success. For that reason , every inventor [i.e., every participant in a relationship] must be an optimist.” – Rudolf Diesel, inventor

That applies to having any type of successful relationship, including a relationship between a woman and a man.

You must decide whether you will do enough to make your relationship(s) work.

Winner Take All

By the way, in some species sexual competition is almost a winner-take-all-contest.

In elephant seals, for example, one dominant male may account for over 80 percent of all copulations with females on a particular beach, and almost as high a proportion of all offspring.

Profound Implications of Evolutionary Theory

Consider the fact that you are not going to live forever.

Consider the fact that our bodies are not designed for healthy long lives.

What does that mean?  What are the action implications of that?

These two facts are forcibly discussed in the Spring 2015 issue of SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN in an article written by S. Jay Olshansky, Bruce A. Carnes and Robert N. Butler, titled “If Humans Were Built to Last.”

According to those authors:

1. Our bodies are optimized for successful reproduction and child-rearing but are not necessarily designed for healthy long lives.
2. Our bodies lack perfect maintenance and repair systems.
3. Our bodies are not built for extended use or perpetual health.
4. It is important to recognize that we live in a world in which human ingenuity has made it possible for an unprecedented number of people to grow old.
5. At this point in history, we need to exploit our expanding knowledge of evolution to enhance the quality of our lives as grow older because the single-minded pursuit of life extension without considering health extension could be disastrous.

To a significant degree, the potential length of our lives and, to a lesser degree, the duration of our health and vitality are genetic legacies from our ancient ancestors, who needed to mature quickly to produce children before they were killed by the hostile forces of nature.

We are living much longer than our bodies are designed to exist.

Women think about that more than men do.

Women realize they have different needs and different likes and different desires at different stages of their lives.

In terms of getting along with women or with men or with yourself,  (paraphrasing the philosopher William James), “The greatest discovery you can make is that you can alter your life by altering your attitude.” 

Like it or not, the world changes and so will you.

The Most Important Tool You Will Ever Encounter

“Remembering that I will be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life.”  – Steve Jobs, co-founder of Apple Computer

Repeated contemplation of aging and our eventual death – realizing that we will not last forever – can both lessen anxiety about it and help keep us focused on the aspects of life that matter most.

The Craziness of Many Men

People complain about how insecure shallow and “crazy” women are.

Keep in mind taht many men are insecure shallow and crazy too.

Consider the craziness of many men about the size of their penis.

The following quotes are from the April 2015 issue of the “University of California Wellness Letter.”

It’s only human to feel dissatisfied with some body part, with men, in particular, often focusing on their penis size.  According to an analysis of Google searches by Americans, reported in the New York Times in January, ‘men make more searches asking how to make their penises bigger than how to tune a guitar, make an omelet, or change a tire.

“Penis size is not something the vast majority of men need to worry about, actually.  The average penis measures 3 1/2 inches long, to 5 to 7 inches when erect.  Mythology and pornography to the contrary, penis size is only one factor in sexual pleasure.”

Spending Your Entire Life with Another Person. Spending Your Entire Life with a “Life Partner”

If you are considering marrying a particular man or woman, my advice to you is ask yourself the following question: Is this someone you want to spend the rest of your life with?

If you are attracted to a rich and powerful person, consider what Ben Hecht said about Mayor Walker: “No man could have held life so carelessly without falling down a manhole before he was done.”

By the way, no one can read your mind.

If you want something, or don’t like something, let the other person know.

Good luck and best wishes,

Gary

 

Gary S. Smolker, Publisher
Gary S. Smolker Idea Exchange Blog
www.garysmolker.wordpress.com

 

 

Copyright © 2015 by Gary S. Smolker