How to Have The World’s Best Male-Female Relationships by Gary S. Smolker

While eating breakfast this morning (Saturday, April 11, 2015) at Leo & Lily Bakery Market Cafe in Woodland Hills, California I overheard a woman sitting at the table next to mine tell her girl-friend that she had just had “the best first date” of her life.

I interviewed those two women.

Of great interest to me, during our interview they did not talk about forming a kind, brave, unselfish, honest and faithful relationship with a man or of the need to have common goals and mutual respect for one another.

Here is what they told me.

WHAT WOMEN WANT

I asked both women: “What do women want?”

One woman replied:

“Women want to be loved, to be supported and to be respected.

“They want to feel appreciated.

“They don’t want to be a fly on the wall.”

ONE WOMAN’S DESCRIPTION OF THE WORLD’S BEST FIRST DATE

That same woman described the “world’s best first date”:

1. It is romantic.
2. The man is in charge, making all decisions.
3. The man is attentive, courteous, charming, sweet and sexy.
4. He does not know he is sexy.
5. He is quite.  But when he opens his mind to speak he has something to say that is worth listening to.
6. He doesn’t spend an inordinate amount of time talking about himself.  But, when he talks about himself he is modest and humble.

THE OTHER WOMAN’S DESCRIPTION OF THE BEST FIRST DATE SHE EVER HAD

The other woman described the best first date she had ever had –  the date she just had:

1. She had known her date for two years before their first date.
2. On their first date: Her date arrived early.
3. When he walked into her apartment, he went straight to her and kissed her.
4. He immediately told her she was beautiful.  He then told her that he would go back to his car to get the bouquet of flowers he had brought her, while she finished getting dressed.
5. She immediately went into a state of rapture.
6. For the rest of the evening she was in a constant state of psychic and physical pandemonium.
7. He had made dinner reservations (days ago) at Roy’s Hawaiian Fusion Restaurant – a fancy restaurant in Woodland Hills, California.
8. When he saw they were being seated across a table from each other at Roy’s he said: “This will not do.  Come closer.  Sit by my side.”
9. She sat in a chair by his side instead of sitting in a chair across the table from him.
10. All through dinner he didn’t stop touching her.
11. He was delightful to be with.
12. He constantly made her feel important.
13. He maintained eye contact with her at all times.  He listened to her carefully without interruptions.
14. He projected warmth, friendliness and respect during all interactions.
15. He smiled all the time and nodded when appropriate.
16. He took charge all night long.

MY READ ON THE PHENOMENA EXPERIENCED BY THE WOMAN WHO HAD A “BEST FIRST DATE EXPERIENCE”

The woman who just had the best first date of her life was psychologically and physically ready and “in the mood” and had the right mind set and attitude to have the greatest first date of her life.

The man who she had the “best date” with was also in the mood to have the best first date.

All during their date, he had the right attitude and was mentally emotionally prepared to have the best first date with her.

He was physically, mentally and emotionally prepared to have a world-class “best date.”

Both the woman and the man were ready willing, able and desired to have a world-class “best date.”

The woman was in a mood wherein she wanted to desire a man.

That man, her date, was at the right place at the right time.

She now desires that man (her date) because he was there and acted appropriately.

As a result of him giving her what she desired at that moment, she can’t get over him.

She is in “love.”

At least, she thinks she is in love.

“Love” comes from a Sanskrit word, “Lubh”, meaning desire.

She is in “love” now: She is addicted to the feeling of exhilaration she felt during that first date and she can’t turn off her desires to be with that man again.

Lovers, including this woman, can never turn off their racing thoughts.

Lovers (like her) incessantly think about their “beloved.”

Poets say the God of Love always leaves one in a state of need.

Neuropsychologists say: Love Is An Addiction.

LOVE RELATIONSHIPS

Lovers become dependant on their relationship.

Poetically speaking, lovers become puppets dangling from the heartstrings of their lovers.

• The God of Love always leaves them in a state of need.
• Lovers are always yearning for emotional togetherness.
• Lovers are possessed by their longing to be with one another.

THE COURTING PROCESS – A Question and Comment About the Courting Process

Is there a biologically evolutionary explanation for what happens when a man courts a woman?

Here is something to think about:

• Einstein once asserted that “a person who has not made his great contribution to science before the age of 30 will never do so.”
• There is a Darwinian explanation for that statement.

Two study results to think about:

1. After studying 280 great male scientists, Dr. Satoshi Kanazawa of the London School of Economics found that 65 percent of them made their biggest discoveries before the age of thirty-five.
2. He also noted that most lost their creative drive after a few years of marriage.
3. Kanazawa concluded that these young geniuses were “seeking to impress women with their virtuosity.”
4. “Psychologists have a thing called a narcissism test.  They read people statements and ask if the statements apply to them.  Statements such as “I like to be the center of attention…I show off if I get the chance because I am extraordinary…Somebody should write a biography about me.’  The medium narcissism score has risen 30 percent in the last two decades.  Ninety-three percent of  young people score higher than the middle score just twenty years ago.  The largest gain have been in the number of people who agree with the statements ‘I am an extraordinary person’ and ‘I like to look at my body.'” – Jean m. Twenge and W. Kevin Campbell, The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement (Simon & Schuster, 2009), 13.

Evolutionary psychologists have come to the following conclusions about the reason for and consequences of the biological interaction known as the courting process:

1. For the sake of survival, our forbears and present day men and women need(ed) the mental machinery to assess personality and accomplishment in order to appraise and value their suitors.
2. This pressure has given rise to our extraordinarily fancy human aptitudes related to our human mental machinery necessary to appreciate talents.
3. We are built to love and love again.
4. We are not meant to survive alone.  
5. We need and depend upon each other for survival, love and comfort.
6. Our forebears needed and modern people need special talents to entice potential mates into short-term and into long-term partnerships.
7. Much of what men and women do and have done throughout their existence on this planet has been to impress and woo.
8. For various reasons, that is on the wane.

YOUR SELF-CENTEREDNESS vs. YOUR INNER COHESION

In the context of William Ernest Henley’s famous poem “Invictus” (“I am the master of my fate/I am the captain of my soul.”) ask yourself the following questions:

1. Do you have a clear idea of the sources of meaning in your life?
2. Do you have a clear understanding of how to live a rich inner life?
3. Are you leading a fragmented, scattershot life?
4. Do you have a high moral ambition?
5. What arouses your deepest passions?
6. What are the things that you truly value?
7. Do you have a cause (a purpose) that is central to your life?
8. Have you found something you are passionate about which you have thrown yourself into which tests your moral courage and in which you face opposition and ridicule?
9. Are you capable of making unshakeable commitments?
10. Is your mind consistent and your heart dependable?
11. Do you crumble in adversity?
12. Can you withstand popular disapproval or a serious blow?
13. Are you blown off course by storms?
14. Do you feel the joy of having your values in deep harmony with your behavior?

Social commentator David Brooks has written a book titled “The Road to Character” in which he discusses the degree to which people are “self-centered” today and the different directions in which that leads people.

In “the Road to Character”, Mr. Brooks reports:

“Along with this apparent rise in self-esteem, there has been a tremendous increase in the desire for fame.  Fame used to rank low as a life’s ambition for most people.  In a 1976 survey that asked people to list their life’s goals, fame ranked fifteenth out of sixteen.

“By 2007, 50 percent of young people reported that being famous was one of their top personal goals.

“In one study, middle school girls were asked who they would like to have dinner with, Jennifer Lopez came in first, Jesus Christ came in second, and Paris Hilton third.

“The girls were then asked which of the following jobs they would like to have.  Nearly twice as many said they’d rather be a celebrity’s personal assistant – for example, Justin Bieber’s – then president of Harvard.

“(Though, to be fair, I’m pretty sure the president of Harvard would also rather be Justin Bieber’s personal assistant.)”

Where your relationships go and how long your relationships will last will last will depend upon the character of each party with whom you have a relationship (and your own character) as well as being dependant on what happens to each party in the future.

Mr. Brooks concludes:

• We don’t create our lives.
• We are summoned by life.
• We are thrown by fate, by history, by chance, by evolution, or by something else into a specific place with specific problems and needs.
• What sort of person you end up being depends upon what sort of inner decisions yu make in response to your circumstances.
• Without “character” not only your inner life but also your external life will eventually fall to pieces.

CONCLUSION

The interests, desires, mental health, values, goals and maturity of each party in a relationship are important forces which can determine how long that relationship will last in addition.

In advanced civilizations people are constantly seeking recognition.

However, what really counts is “character.”

Some people cultivate their inner lives, build a strong inner character and are shooting for something higher than happiness.

Mr. Brooks suggests, and my experience has been, that they are the happiest.

 

Copyright © 2015 by Gary S. Smolker